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Edward “Fingerhands” Snowden stole NSA secrets so he could share them with the public of the world. He fled to Hong Kong and somehow notified the Glen of Greenwald to interview him there. Glen and Julian “Reportage” Assange accepted those materials (volunteered by Snowden) and gave the world a peek at them – censoring the vast majority of it. And so it began. Straightforward enough. 

Then Edward Fingerhands vamoosed Hong Kong (with a little help from his Chinese friends). If the Chinese didn’t make copies of all Edward of Snowden’s disk drives before he left (and get cracking) I’ll eat my socks. Raw. Stewed in fresh human feces. (I kinda already did that in a, ahem, developing nation, once – for a far lesser cause.) Anyway, you get it. Yes? The Chinese (HK and Mainland) have it all. And if HK has it, then so does Taiwan, the stepchild, and almost certainly Japan. (Not that Japan is a big concern, despite that ridiculous book by the founder of Stratfor that doubtless makes poor ol’ George cringe whenever he’s reminded of its existence.)

Then, the USA, in a fit of momentarily finding it’s ass with both hands, cancel’s Edward Snowdrama’s passport. Oh, good. That’ll show him! Thou loutish knave! No more passport for you!

This marvelous passport idea gave the Russian government an obligation to detain him, take his luggage and search it. Not that they wouldn’t have done that anyway. It is Russia, after all. Them boys does what them boys wants. Would it stop us from searching a Russian’s luggage under reversed circumstances? Naah. Edward Fingerhands luggage has got to be the most thoroughly searched baggage of all time.  Of course the import of all this is that – the Russians have everything. And Snowdramaman, formerly of the USA, has probably told them a great deal more than he intended. The FSB’s interrogation methods being what they are – excellent. No, no. It’s not nails through the knuckles, not even an overly hot banya. The Russians are not so barbaric as that. They are, I think, better at it than we are. Their training is better. You’ll have to trust me on this, but I could give a course in it.

So, here we are, with China and Russia (and a growing cast of rabbits friends and relations) having all the NSA’s secrets that Edward Fingerhands could carry off. They have, of course, the uncensored version. They are, no doubt, busy exhorting their troops to match and surpass the NSA’s capabilities – as we speak. They are, no doubt making plans to set up transoceanic cable and satellite communications companies to help them tap in. They are, no doubt, working on new uses for military submarines, ROV’s and ultra-deep divers.

Thus it came to pass in the land of Oh-dear-god-FUCK-ME-They-Aren’t-Kidding, that the US Army blocked access by army personnel to Glen Greenwald’s Guardian articles on Snowdrama’s NSA leaks. This forces them to go home to read them, and risk imprisonment for doing so, and technically requires them to run out of the bar they have gone into when the news comes on. I’m well aware that the army isn’t populated by fools. They are a small fraction. But a few bureaucrifuckers can sure embarrass the hair off your head, your ass, your chest, your crotch and perhaps even your eyelashes. Somebody in the Pentagon needs to start a chapter of Bureaucrifucks Anonymous. Meanwhile, the janitors over there are pulling extra shifts sweeping up body hair. This situation will continue until the ass-clowns who perpetrated this act of bureaucrifuckery are given cement shoes and dropped off the pier.

Which brings us to the (current) crowning irony of this moebius stripGlen and Julian are now the stalwarts holding the line against the public knowing the vast majority of what the NSA does and can do. They have only let the world know a tiny, miniscule fraction of it. No details. No locations. And it’s not true that there is no point in Glen and Julian’s censorship, because in a world were transnational fanatic terrorism (virtually 100% islamist) is the primary threat (for now) they are still somewhat in the dark. However, to be fair, them islamist boys are paranoid as hell, and word is they have gone dark all of a sudden. Quite understandable old chaps. Quite, given that you want to kill us and that means we want to kill you. But it is problem, a big problem. People will die because of it.

Here’s to you Glen, and a toast to Julian, chief security officers preserving the security of the NSA! 

I think it is time for the USA to call off its dogs on those two. They are the only ones doing their job well enough to deserve a paycheck. Seriously, people. It’s long past time to stop persecuting them and establish friendly relations.