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Well! If I trust the news media, Snowden-bear has decided to emerge from summer hibernation at the airport and stretch his legs in Moscow proper.  Is he reading my blog, my precious? Is he? It seems a bit unlikely, but we wonders – yes we does.

But enough about me. Wise move kiddo! Now, if you can find it in yourself to chill the fuck out, take a vacay, and realize that papa Putin’s offer is about as good as it’s gonna get for the likes of your fugitive behind, you will do great. Trust me, Edward, you will fit right in in Russia. Your personality is Russian already! Russians are forever leaping before they look, leading to major drama. Sound familiar?

It’s only the few, the proud, the upper echelon of the FSB, who plan carefully. Putin is one of those. But even when planning carefully, Russians tend to leave more to chance than Americans do. They just expect a certain level of tactical ability from their own – because every Russian has had to develop some.

Smell the coffee kiddo. You’ve made your bed. This is it. Deal with it. Seriously Edward, life in Russia beats the hell out of life in Leavenworth! Time to count your blessings. You don’t want to be staring at a wall in Leavenworth singing, “Don’t it always seem to go, you don’t know what you’ve got ’till it’s gone…”

So when you are feeling pissy, feeling a bit depressed about how badly the USA is treating your fine, white ass, well, do some comparison shopping.

  • Door number 1: Russia – You opened door number one. You got a welcome mat with one  condition. Shut up. You slammed it.
  • Door number 2: South/Central America – You haven’t opened that one yet. That door seems to be closing. And it’s uncomfortably close to door number 3. Trust me. If you walk through that door, you will wind up through door number 3 sooner or later. You will be kidnapped. The USA has done that. The courts have upheld it. Britain would send you back. The USA? Nyet!
  • Door number 3: USA and a one-way ticket to Leavenworth, and probably the electric chair.

Does that clarify things for you? I hope it does. Hey! I’ll bet you have never been to Central or South America! Oh, man. Dude! It’s a great place to pass through. But if you were there, you would get it. That is not a safe place for you to park yourself. No it’s not.

Anyway! The alphabet is easy (if you don’t already know it) and spelling is almost perfectly phonetic – learn that first. You will be able to read street signs, know where the bars are – the important stuff. It’s just the grammar and vocabulary that trips you up. All those tenses! But you’ll get the hang of it – if you study. There’s enough people who know English (and they will all want to practice on famous ol’ you – particularly pretty girls) that you can get very, very, lazy. It’s possible to spend a couple years in Russia and learn very little of it. But I do not recommend that. Learn your host country’s language! Work very hard at it. They will appreciate it. And those who will be watching your every move for the rest of your life will be positively impressed. Russians like hard workers.

Of course, don’t expect that Russia will let you near their national secrets dearie. Russians take a dimmer view of spies and traitors than Americans do. Trust me, you don’t want to know more about what that would be like – not when the protagonist is you. If you decide that you want to come back, and work out a trade – a pardon for Russia’s secrets – I wouldn’t put my money on you kiddo. I really don’t recommend that you try that.

  • First, you’re way too notorious, way too big a blot on the escutcheon of the USA intelligence community to make that likely.
  • Second, you would be assuming that the  USA doesn’t already know, which isn’t a very safe assumption. You, of all people, should know that.
  • Third, how the hell would you conduct the negotiation? There’s no safe country for you to do that from. South America? Sonny-boyo, Russia was all over South America, and they have good connections in this place called Cuba.
  • Fourth, it’s Russia. I seriously doubt that you would be able to do it without them getting wind of it. If you read Chrisopher Andrew’s tome on the history of the KGB, (by the way, it’s a great read – most tomes aren’t) he says that Russia was better at field ops than we were. Pay attention Edward. Pay close attention to that.
  • Last, I don’t think you would survive to get to the hand-off. You aren’t a spy Mr. Snowden. Your notions of spycraft are pure Hollywood. You’re about as subtle as a grand piano falling into a crowded street. Plus, you would put dear Glen Greenwald in mortal danger. (Who else would handle that one?) What would Russia care about the Greenwald’s death, perhaps a few bystanders, and perhaps property damage, if it helped them keep their secrets?

Seriously boyo – time to relax, see the sights, study Russian, get a girlfriend or three, maybe take some math classes, finish your degree.

I would suggest you enter medical school. You’re smart. You need a new profession. You seem to care about people, and you want to speak up about things you think are wrong. That’s all great in a physician.

I hope you realize that you can’t practice your old profession anymore! You done gone finished wit’ dat! So retrain while you are fresh. Go to med school while your parents are still alive, and they can send  you money. The Russian government ain’t going to support your ass. And the donations from well-wishers across the world are going to die out pretty fast.

The public is a fickle beast Edward. You have had your moment in the spotlight. What you really want is to get the fuck out of the spotlight. Yes, I know celebrity is intoxicating. But intoxicants lead people to bad ends if overindulged in. So stop seeking the spotlight. It’s not wise.

Trust me, in a year, you will be down the memory hole for the most part.

And son – that’s really what you want. Let it go. If you don’t you’re gonna regret it. Oh, you have no idea how much you’re gonna regret it.

Avoid South and Central America kiddo. Those are CIA stomping grounds from way, way back. You are in the best place you can be. It’s done. This deal is over. Time to get a new life. You have shot your wad on this one. Traitorous leaker of secrets is not a career path. Look down the road. Nothing there but a desert with a cliff to fall off of.

Seriously, Edward, what you are experiencing is the first, little cliff that you fell off of. Trust me, it gets way, way worse. Stand up, dust yourself off, and walk out. It’s time to let things go.

Russian girls are beautiful. You’ll love them. You’ll especially like the FSB trained girls who seduce you to get you to tell secrets they want. Those girls are lots of fun. And you will find one you will fall in love with.

Russia’s a huge place. You have more room to explore than all of Europe and North America combined there. So don’t turn down Papa Putin’s offer. Play by his rules, and repeat this mantra, “There is no career path in what I am doing.”

Give my regards to Nastya.

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