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As we all know, Edward “Fingerhands” Snowden is stuck in Russia, although he wants to travel on to Bolivia, Venezuela, or Nicaragua. And finally, after weeks, Snowden-bear has decided it is best to accept Russian hospitality. (Albeit grudgingly – “it’s just temporary asylum!”)  The Snowden-mon seems to think that because he is a man of conscience and the program he revealed is illegal, that most everyone will love him, because the natural order of the world is support for gentlemanly rules of conduct and civil society. The poor lad is slowly getting kicked in the head with the reality that – nations operate like gangsters toward each other. Deal with it kid. Get it through your thick asperger’s syndrome skull that it ain’t like that. Hell, the French have been happily spying on USA companies for decades!

But enough about Snowden. At least young Fingerhands has conducted himself with a semblance of competence. Yes, the boyo could have planned his exit more carefully. You know – little things like figuring out what nation would take him and lining that up before going on the lam. But, competence is all in the pudding, and Edward has served up one hell of a pudding! I can even grant a certain ridiculous accidental genius to choosing Hong Kong.

The bumbler administration, on the other hand, has performed with astonishing, breathtaking, nay – astounding – no, intergalactic incompetence. The clowns responding to this crisis are the most ridiculous bunch of knotheaded nitwits on the world stage today.

Ok. Some of you will understand, but others, who have no background in such stuff will wonder – Why? Well, let’s start with the proposition that the Obumblers want to catch him.

  1. Who the fuck was the jackass who canceled Snowden’s passport? Dear god. In case you hadn’t noticed: That’s why Snowden is stuck in Russia! You put him right in the paws of the bear you goddam idiot! And since Snowden is such a blockhead, he has played right into Papa Putin’s hands. Because now he has to get on his knees and beg. Now, I ask you, if the roles were reversed, would you let a Russian (call him Snowdenov) get asylum at this point without milking him for encryption keys to his stuff? Hmm? Would you?
    1. If you would – Oh … my … god.
    2. If you think the Russians aren’t smart enough to think o’ dat? Oh … my … fucking … god.
  2. Who scheduled phone calls from vice president Joe Biden to heads of state in central and South America to ask them to deny Snowden asylum?! Ok – maybe I get it. You took Edward’s criticism to heart. You are now conducting clandestine operations in the open. Bozo dear. If you want to catch him, you need to be just a teeny, tiny bit clever.
    1. By the way – my view is that Putin is the one who made that little operation work out for you. Do you honestly think that Correa responded to Joe Biden? Weawwy? You played right into his hands. Bozo dear – he is smarter than you.
    2. Oh. And seriously? You think that if you are going to do diplomatic outreach to those nations from the White House that having the whitest of the white WASPs do it, the second banana no less, signals that this is really and truly the highest priority? Really? The least you could do is have the brown guy do it. Holy shit what is wrong with you?!
  3. Who was the goddam genius who decided that leaning on South and Central America to deny Snowden asylum would help catch him – while he was in fucking Russia?! Are you all senile? Yes, I know that Obama is over his head and he appointed (with one exception) spineless nebbish-noodles to run things. But dear fucking god! News flash! There are DEA contacts all over Central and South America. If he goes there we could catch him. In Russia? In Russia you can’t even pick him out of a crowd at 20 feet!
  4. What were you thinking – forcing down the Bolivian diplomatically immune aircraft? What’s your name? Elmer Flub? All you proved was that the nations of the EU are sycophantic tools. And you pissed off South America – again. What you told them was, “We don’t give a fuck about you brown people in South America. Suck on this brown boy!” Bolivia wasn’t going to give him asylum. And now they will. Of course that’s better than having him in Russia – for the USA. But given everything else, I am dead certain that this slight improvement in the strategic situation is completely accidental. And – since you pissed off all of Bolivia, it will be way harder to extricate a Snowden from Bolivia once he’s there.
  5. Who the fuck came up that, “Do the right thing!” abomination to beg Russia for Snowden? It sounds like an overpromoted kindergarten teacher talking! Dear god. You know what? Your thought processes are more primitive, more blinkered, more autistic than Edward Snowden’s! And that’s saying a fuckload! At least Edward has an excuse – he’s a man of conscience with significant law on his side. And he’s a techie-techie who spent his life in videogames, chatrooms and software. You … are … the … most … godawful … excuse … for … retards … ever … seen! News flash – Russia, like every nation, does what is good for Russia. The USA has taken in “leakers” of Russian secrets for a long, long time. (Vasily Mitrokhin, Ken Alibek, etc.) Russia is overjoyed to be able to return the favor! Pull your stupid fat head out of your ass!  

The bottom line is that at this point you have nobody but yourselves to blame for Snowden being out of reach. You put him there. You ain’t gonna grab him in Russia. I am quite sure that Russia – from the leadership to the lowliest toilet cleaner and bum are hugely enjoying the spectacle of watching the USA embarrass itself begging for Snowden. (And many are wondering what the fuck – as they see the antics the USA is performing.)

Of course, there is an alternative explanation. You bumbling batshit dingbats are secretly helping Snowden. You are doing all this idiocy on purpose. It’s a theory.

But I think that you (from the president across to DOJ, State department, Homeland Security and everything else) are just too stupid, too incompetent, too demented, to do anything but beat yourselves over the head with Mr. Snowden, punch yourselves in the nose, and kick yourselves in the crotch.

So no sympathy from me you intergalactic morons. People as stupid as you deserve Snowden. You aren’t smart enough to be trusted with a toilet plunger in a shit storm.